smokedout | [IC] IC Contact [Riverview]

[He could correct him, say that he doesn't want to be a villain, but that he had to be. He could explain that none of that is going to work, because once he has his mind set on something, it's rare that it can change. But instead, he's just stuck watching Dodger break in this way, the hand not covering Dodger's moving to touch his cheek instead.

It's cruel, all that he's doing, he knows, but ultimately it's what he wants. And he'll still leave that request of follow me, even if he's asking Dodger to uproot his whole life here. But to make up for it, or to try and soothe more of that anger away and see what's behind it, he leans into the touch of their foreheads, tilting his face enough to steal a deep kiss.]

[If he was shaking before, it's nothing compared to how he shakes now. With Eichi's lips pressed against his, the anger just disappears and it leaves him weak and numb and so very, very scared.

He kisses him as long as he can, but his legs can't hold him up like this. It has been so long since he's let himself really succumb to these emotions, and they just... pile up, crushing him down. He ends up on his knees, clutching Eichi tightly as if he'll really leave the moment he lets go of him. His skin is ice cold, as if the very fire that burns in him has been snuffed out. And despite his best attempts to stop himself, he ends up letting out a muffled sob against Eichi's stomach.]

[He doesn't expect this. He knew there was some care there, but this much attachment? He's never been good at understanding emotions, so he doesn't know where it comes from, or what it means. He knows it hurts his own heart to watch, and so he wraps his arms around Dodger and crouches down to be at his level, pulling him into a hug and pressing a kiss to the side of his head.]

It's alright, Jamie. I wanted to be able to tell you, you know?

[He pauses, running a hand through Dodger's hair.] If you'll be staying here, then I'll leave this mansion to you.

I don't want your fucking house... [His voice cracks as he pulls Eichi closer, falling awkwardly to sit on the floor and holding him in a hug that's just a little too tight to be comfortable.] ...I don't want any of this shit, I want you.

[What the fuck would he even do with all this space... he'd just feel tiny in this giant house, but refusing would be losing the small bit of Eichi he could have. Ugh... why couldn't the kid just disappear like everyone else who's left the city.]

You fucking... dumb ass piece of shit... fuck...

[He leans completely into this tight hug, basically on Dodger's lap now. This hurts his heart, he thinks, and that's strange, so he makes up for it by nuzzling into his neck and kissing him there.]

It's not as if I was ever someone who would live a long life, even if I wanted to.

[He says that quietly against his skin, kissing again, grabbing at his shirt and leaning more into him.] I won't leave until far later tonight, so say goodbye properly, won't you? It's okay. There are others with healthy lives who care about you, you know. Are you really torn up over a simple idol like me? Do you want to hit me? That won't help anything, you know?

You think I really give a shit about living healthy?

[Despite himself, he ends up laughing through his tears. Ugh, he hadn't realized how fucking weird it would feel to cry without his eye, but the tears flow much more heavily from the open socket without any way to regulate them properly.]

Just want someone to live fast and die hard with me, is that so fucking hard... [He takes a shaky breath, his hands moving up to run through Eichi's hair.] Of course I want to hit you, you dumb shit... You fucking asshole.

[So of course, instead of hitting him, he ends up pushing him onto the floor and following to kiss him harshly. Hopefully Eichi won't mind that tears are continuing to flow and hit his face during this.]

[There's still a rush when he's pushed over and kissed so powerfully. How could there not be? Even if he doesn't understand the attachment, if he doesn't know what to do, he knows he likes this attention. He likes to be wanted, needed. He kisses back immediately, with just as much energy, gasping against his lips when he needs the breath.]

Then, however you like, let it all out this once. [That should be clear enough, he thinks, but he kisses Dodger again just to be clear, lacing the fingers of one of his hands through his hair.]

[It takes a moment for it to fully register, what Eichi is offering. The gears are slowly turning while he lays on top of Eichi, panting heavily between kisses and leaning against the hand in his hair with a solemn look.]

Fuck you.

[The tone is ambiguous... whether it's an insult, a declaration of intent or just a confirmation that it's an option. Who knows.]

...I'm not doing anything if you're just gonna fucking disappear and make it meaningless.

[Finally.. an admission that the point wasn't just his own pleasure.]

It won't be meaningless.

[Reaching up, he wipes Dodger's tears from his own face before trying to brush them from Dodger's as well.] It may be selfish of me, but sooner or later, I'd like you to follow. I believe if it's meant to be, we'll meet again. Even if I don't know if there's such a thing as "fate" or anything like that... It was some sort of destiny that we met in the first place.

I'm afraid, you know. I don't like to admit something like that, since I want to appear fierce, like a lion, but this fear is part of the reason that I have to push forward.

[If it's meant to be, we'll meet again.

Horrible as it is, that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to him. The most hope he's ever been given. And it just crushes him even more, knowing there's nothing he can do to convince him to stick around. Nothing he can do to keep him here, after everything they've- accidentally built together.

It was some sort of destiny that we met.

He lets out a strangled little sob as he leans down to kiss him again.]

You're a sick son of a bitch.. [He moves back, pulling away from him to scrub at his good eye. His missing eye is being left to cry for the moment, mostly due to how uncomfortable it is to try and mess with it.] ...If you're afraid, just stay with me. This is your own fucking fault and- Eichi, I'm fucking terrified.

That hospital was more terrifying.

[He stays where he is, back to the floor and eyes up at the ceiling of the library. He'd probably cry himself, but Dodger doing so makes it easier for his own face to stay strong.]

I thought back to all of those years of my childhood that I missed out on. White walls, IVs, fluids, doctors overlooking me. My family was never anything but a business that I was meant to inherit. My grandfather was a thorn in my side that took too long to leave. I resented my last name, a little, for all of that, but it was still my identity.

This short life of mine was meaningless without a dream. So finding one, I chased it. An ephemeral dream, like my life. No matter what, I wanted to live under that blue sky, to experience my youth in some way, but I was forced to play the role of a villain and cleanse that school I loved so much from scum. There was no room for me to be the "hero" of a story.

I hate that word, you know? Heroes... they make me sick.

[He's rambling, he's all over the place, he's off topic and he knows it. But he's just staring at the ceiling, thinking about how he's going to leave, no matter what.]

Because it's the type of person that can't exist in the real world. Even so, I want to chase that dream. I want to be the main character and capture my goals without holding back, even if I die the next day.

Do you understand yet? Rather than lying in that hospital bed, my heart seizing up so that I can't breathe, my hands too weak to move, never knowing which breath will be my last, unable to see the blue sky that I love... I want to step through that portal and risk my body being torn apart, or landing in some desolate wasteland that I could never survive. It's something that a main character would do, right?

[He doesn't mind the monologue... it gives him time to dry his eyes, and catch his breath. Enough time to cool down and gather his thoughts. And when Eichi's done, he turns to watch him with a somber expression.]

What do you want from me. [He hesitates.] Seriously, all this... fucking bullshit, what you want me to do?

I'm not ambitious like you. I got trained to stop looking at the sky and I just accepted it. I don't give a fuck about having dreams, I just need someone else to tell me what I'm supposed to be doing...

...I was ready to follow you. I just can't- I can't leave here.

[He can. It would be so very easy.. he's already gotten offers to leave in favor of different worlds. The world he came from isn't something he can go back to, but following someone to a new world wouldn't be anywhere near as hard. If only he wasn't so very afraid of the risk, of failing to follow Eichi and instead ending up alone without even the people who are keeping him safe from himself here.

He can't leave Cain and Shigeru, even for someone as important as Eichi.]

So what do you want from me right now, tonight? What were you expecting to get out of telling me?

What sort of villain are you making me out to be? I didn't expect anything.

[He sits up, expression tired even if he's done none of the crying himself. He's got a lot behind that distant smile, and it's very clear right now, but as for what it is... he's not showing.]

Least of all this open honesty. To be honest, my heart is aching... But just like you're telling me "I can't leave here," I'm telling you "I can't stay." It seems we both have our own stubborn reasoning.

I've been alone before. By removing all of those around me, crushing them under my own heel... I've made that mistake. So now, brushing off every attachment I've made here in order to move forward, I'll hold my head high and keep moving until my legs give out.

Even if you refuse to keep me company for what time we have left now, I hope we can meet again. You may not want to hear it, but I will miss you.

You're right. I don't want to hear it.

[He doesn't want any of this.. he's never had to handle speaking to the person he was losing. Even Janet, who had managed to leave his life without dying, has never spoken to him after their breakup. And he's glad for that... it could have been as painful as this is.]

...But that doesn't mean I'm refusing your company. [He hesitates again, and leans forward to crawl on top of Eichi again. He'll just come crawling back, because that's all he knows.] Just tell me what you want. Whatever you want.

Hm... honestly...

[He reaches up and touches both hands to Dodger's cheeks, cupping his face gently and pulling it down to take a kiss. It's slow, sweet, contemplative.] I want to feel your open honesty. More than anything, I want to be overwhelmed by your feelings... but that's a rather vague request, isn't it?

I want you. [He clarifies a little more, even though he's not sure if it's fair to ask for something like this right now when Dodger is desperate to listen.] But more than that, I want it to have feeling, so don't be so distant and come closer.

[In that moment, Dodger hates Eichi exactly as much as he loves him. But that isn't an unfamiliar feeling... what is unfamiliar, is just so much he finds himself desperately wanting to please him. As if that will fix anything. As if he'll have something left by the end of the night.

He can't think of any harsher torture than this. Nothing his bosses have done, nothing he could push Reaper to do, is ever going to compare to this. Eichi has taken away his anger and held it hostage.

Without a word his hands move to unbutton Eichi's shirt, and his lips move hastily from the idol's mouth to his chin, to his jaw, to his neck and finally his collarbone. His movements have just a hint of desperation... as if with every twitch of his hands, every kiss pressed to his skin, he's begging Eichi to stay put.]

[He asked for it, but it's still more than he could imagine getting. These kisses are more than kisses, and even Eichi can tell that much. Honestly, he's just as desperate for the attention, but he likes to hide it by being in "control" like this. His breath catches, his chin tilts up as Dodger kisses lower, and he reaches to lace fingers through Dodger's hair.

Even if there's plenty he'd like to say, he thinks that saying it right now would only make things worse.]

[The hand in his hair has a calming effect on him, but.. it doesn't change much about the passionate need in his movements. One hand reaches up to grasp Eichi's shoulder, pulling him up so he can shove his jacket and shirt off of him. It's about then that Dodger thinks to speak, his voice breathy and hesitant.]

...Bedroom or- here?

[He'll take either, but... perhaps Eichi would like things a little more traditional. He doesn't know.]

Here.

[Plot twist: traditional is the last thing Eichi wants. He answers that so immediately, shrugging off his shirt and jacket with the help and letting them drop behind him. He's just got that necklace and these pants now, and he's petting through his hair, leaning to kiss his lips again. He wants to share that desperation.]

Alright.

[He doesn't need more convincing than that. His ratty hoodie is shed and forgotten on the floor next to Eichi's jacket, his fingers leaving small dark burn marks along his own shirt as he fiddles with the buttons. Finally it touches the floor and his own necklaces are free to brush against Eichi's skin.

All the rapid movement has finally pulled something in his arms... which is to say, certain cuts that were just barely closing have been pulled open. And while Dodger doesn't notice particularly, there are small red stains forming on the gauze wraps along his wrists as he pulls Eichi closer and runs his hands over him with as much of a demanding touch as ever.

One of his hands ends up gripping Eichi's hip, and his fingers brush his lower back... still unscarred, free from the mark Dodger places on his conquests. He makes a mental note of that - before the night's over he'll make sure Eichi has something to bring with him, to make sure he can't forget him.]

Edited 2017-08-28 16:59 (UTC)

[It's impossible to miss the red color, even with the way Dodger's touch pulls his attention. He kisses him as much as he can, one of his legs slipping between Dodger's, bending at the knee and pressing it upwards.

But one of his hands moves to take Dodger's wrist, plucking at the gauze wrap as he breathes against his lips.]

Take these off.

[With anyone else, Dodger would argue. Hell, even Cain hasn't been allowed to see under his wraps. But this is Eichi, and worse - Eichi won't have time to do anything with the information. There's no point in hiding it.

He grabs a tucked end with his teeth and unwraps it haphazardly, the gauze slipping down to the floor after some effort. Underneath, there are straight and deliberate scars reaching from his wrist to about halfway up his arm, right where the wraps would end. At least thirty, some old enough that they're nearly invisible and many new enough that they must have been put there since he got to Riverview. A few are new enough that they might have been put there the night before, or even... hours before he got here. Those are the ones that are now ripped open, blood pooling at them without the wraps to stop them.

Dodger doesn't say a word - they say enough on their own. That this is what he'll have left when he loses Eichi.]

[He only gives them a quick glance before he wraps his fingers around his wrist, not caring that the blood pools and drips along them, or that he might be causing it to sting. His grip is so harsh, it might be startling that Eichi is even capable of it, especially after all of his time in the hospital, some days unable to pick up his phone or lift a finger.

But along with that harsh grip, there's an icy feeling that sinks into skin, mending it back together.]

This... [He leans closer like he's going to kiss him again, but pulls back just out of reach, eyes meeting Dodger's single one. His voice is harsh, too.] For each time that I see you've done this, I'll have to reprimand you.

[He still speaks like they might meet again for a reason. If he thinks doing this while he's gone is going to be okay with Eichi, he's wrong.]

[He's had people be disgusted by the scars. He's had them worry over him, or simply not want to know about them. He's even had people tease him for them, or laugh at him for having them. He's had a very long time to accumulate reactions, the few times that he's let people see. But being threatened for the sake of improvement... is new. Even Augustine, who constantly promised he was hurting him for his own good, figured his wrists were something he was responsible for on his own time.

It just makes his heart ache more, knowing there will be no follow-through. Knowing the words really mean nothing.]

Shut up.

[His hand curls into a fist, as the wounds slowly close up and disappear. The older scars are still left, but his hands look much cleaner without the new messes. Well, ignoring the leftover blood. And after a moment, he just pulls his hand away to press a kiss to Eichi's collarbone.]

....Just don't talk about it. I can still leave.

[No, he can't, and he won't.]

When I've asked you to stay?

[Then why haven't you? But he knows that Dodger won't. He knows that they're both doing this, that Dodger wants this, that he's feeling plenty. He brings his bloodied hand back to his own face and licks the blood off of a finger. That can't be sanitary?]

You're being too gentle. [He's gotten gentle here before, and what he wants is something more.] If you're hurt, why don't you show me?

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